I wanted to put up a post about gratitude today. One about what this year has taught me and the positives that have come from this year (because there have been plenty) but in my current mood I need to talk about something else for a minute and hopefully a bit later I can get my thoughts together for a more positive version.
Today I had to mute my facebook memories notification because while I am able to look at the memories of my trip and almost smile despite everything that followed, what I can’t manage is seeing what my social life was like before I went on the life changing trip and realising that it will never quite be the same again.
The memories of new year’s eve for the last ten years popped up this morning and I remember each one so perfectly and how awesome they were. From the year we had a homeless BBQ in our backyard to the blue mountains party we had all together and created an epic play list from, to the 3 amazing back to back years we set up camp at the vantage point in Balmain.
Every new year’s has been incredible and as I sit here writing this I really want to try and make this one a good one too if I can just manage to get out of my head.
The reality is, this year I will not be with the familiar faces I would usually spend new year’s with for so many different reasons, such as distance, the break up and an unfortunate fight. This year I also carry a massive burden in my heart from all the crap I have had to swim through this year and I am exhausted. I just want this year to be over but I know the tick over of the new year is not going to mean a thing unless I actually do something to make my heart heal, once and for all.
I know forgiveness is the first step to moving on but the truth is I have tried to force my self to forgive and sadly because it wasn’t genuine, it didn’t stick. I hope this year I can find it in me to forgive and finally move on.
To forgive my ex for not seeing what was right in front of him, forgiving my friends for not living up to my expectations when I needed them the most and forgiving my mother for leaving me and not being there for the rest of my life.
This forgiveness needs to be genuine and not forged but I need to be able to do it soon so I can finally let go and move forward.
With that forgiveness I know I need to accompany it with apologies of my own and taking responsibility for the actions I took part in to put myself where I am.
Hopefully I figure it all out soon.
As the sun sets on this year I hope I find the opportunity to see the beauty of it all.
Til then.
Daily BizNess - Starting Over 
🌹
LikeLike