What a year can do…

Today, one year ago exactly, I returned home from a journey that started in November 2018.

I traveled to Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Bali and all of the East Coast of Australia. Mostly with Jake my partner of almost ten years.

If I was able to speak to that girl, who came home with her tail between her legs today she probably wouldn’t be thrilled to hear what she had to endure for the twelve months that followed, but I would be able to assure her that she managed to get through it all with only a few scars.

I came home with a little less than 3k left in my savings and a maxed out credit card, single for the first time in a decade and well and truly lost. I was angry, resentful, aprehensive and exhausted. This was not how I expected to feel after the amazing journey I had just experienced.

I remember being in constant conflict with my self over how I felt. I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable and I did not want to show the world how sad I felt. I put on a face of strength, one that suggested I had things completely under control and was excited for what was to come… This was not at all reflective of how I actually felt.

After a few months I had found myself a place to live, a job and was starting to save money again, finally things were starting to resemble me getting my life back in order but two major issues weighed heavily on me. I constantly wondered if I made the right decision breaking it off with Jake and my mother was becoming increasingly ill, something I know now never really sunk in until it was too late.

I had to figure out how to manage without my best friends Dave, Nikita and Andrea in my life as they were all not living in Sydney anymore and had conflicting feeling about some of the people of my past and whether I still wanted them in my life. By August I felt that despite everything I was doing ok. I felt relatively happy actually and like things were starting to come together. I found love again, I found new friends and I felt I was looking towards the light…then my mum died.

There is a whole chapter of posts on this blog about how my mother’s passing turned my world upside down and even just thinking about it now my heart and stomach are in a knot and tears are starting to flow. I felt betrayed and empty, which quickly turned into anger and resentment. Everything I had managed to achieve since coming home was reversed. I was back to feeling helpless and vulnerable, angry and hateful.

I remember the day I came back in April, I had pretended to my Mum and the rest of my family that I was still going to be travelling for another month so I could surprise them on Easter day at my sister’s. The look on my Mum’s face and the emotional response I got from her when I walked in will forever be tattooed in my mind. She had missed me so much and her heart was broken for me because of my breakup with Jake. It was a bitter sweet reunion, coming alone when Jake used to be by my side at all family events was very difficult and I had to compose myself to answer the questions I knew were coming but were not ready for. Seeing my family again after almost six months away was hard at the time but when I look back on the moment I hugged my Mum, it is one of my cherished memeories.

In the months that followed my Mum’s death, which was in September, I went through the rollercoaster of putting myself back together, again. At first, I detached myself from the world, locked myself in my room and stopped speaking to my close friends.

As Christmas approached I was still very vulnerable and the summer holidays were difficult but I had gotten a promotion at work and had made another good friend, Kika, in my house who got me through the hard times. My cousin Katrina was also there for me in every way I needed her. It’s incredible how people can come through for you when you are at your worst. It is almost like they are in your life for exactly that. Without those two I would have had an even harder time getting through the summer.

The start of the year was good for the most part, I really enjoyed my new role and felt like I was making a real difference. I felt valued and my confidence grew. My team were starting to do great work and I could see a bright future in my career again.

Of course good things are fleeting and the Corona virus came and is still very much an issue still. It put a halt on my sucess at work but at least I am still employed and working.

I cannot comprehend what the virus has done to the world, it is something I never thought I would witness, it never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Among all the horrible things it has caused across the globe, it means I cannot go on my trip to Italy in July, had put a massive halt on the progress of my career and seeing my dad is a challenge as he is almost 80 and part of the vulnerable group. It gives me anxiety thinking that I could be the cause of him getting sick. We have become so close since my Mum died and I just want to be able to see and hug him again.

In the year I have been back home, I have built myself up from nothing, lost my Mother, experienced love again, made new friendships that will last a lifetime, reignited my relationship with my Dad, achieved a promotion at work and lived through a global pandemic.

It has been alot for one year…I hope the next 12 months is filled with positive vibes and less challenges. I think I deserve some smooth sailing from here.