Daily BizNess – Page 2 – Daily BizNess

Inevidable cycle of goodbye’s

In the past year I have been unbelievably blessed to meet so many new people who have come and left the house I live in. There have been more than thirty expats who have called this house their home, I love all of them in their own special way but there were four in particular that stole my heart.

First Michael, the lovable Irish guy no one could understand, left. Then Nico my absolute favourite guitarist in the whole world left in the first four months of me moving in. I was devistated and didn’t think I would ever become close with anyone new in the house, then Kika came along. This random big haired, crazy intruder who slept on the couch for a while as she figured out what she was going to do then just ended up staying. Kika showed me that having chemistry with someone outside of a romance was truly possible and in many ways actually more amazing.

Michael, Nico and Kika were there for me during some of the hardest months of my whole life and they will forever be tattooed in my memory. I now have a very good excuse to visit Ireland, Germany and Italy when this Corona saga is over. I am confident we’ll all cross paths again one day, hopefully sooner rather than later.

When I thought my luck had dried up and surely I’d not be blessed to find another house besty, Oona, a Spanish wild child entred the scene. I have never met someone so perpetually chilled out yet energetic and happy and it was an easy vibe to catch. Oona has a magnetic way of just getting everyone around her to feel good. She sings and dances around the house all the time and is such a joy to be around.

Today is Oona’s last day after a short but intense two months of iso and I am very much not ok with it but I am getting used to this type of good bye. It’s more of a see you later without really knowing exactly when “later” will be. I’m proud of her for pursuing her goal to complete the farm work to ensure her second year visa despite not being particularily thrilled about it.

I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon this rugged, broken, charismatic house, it has really changed my life. I have been able to share all my highs and lows of the past year in this home and am getting the hang of the inevidable cycle of goodbye’s this house comes with. I look forward to who comes next to fill the void that Oona’s departer will create.

Til then, unsuspecting new house bestie, whoever you are. ❤

What a year can do…

Today, one year ago exactly, I returned home from a journey that started in November 2018.

I traveled to Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Bali and all of the East Coast of Australia. Mostly with Jake my partner of almost ten years.

If I was able to speak to that girl, who came home with her tail between her legs today she probably wouldn’t be thrilled to hear what she had to endure for the twelve months that followed, but I would be able to assure her that she managed to get through it all with only a few scars.

I came home with a little less than 3k left in my savings and a maxed out credit card, single for the first time in a decade and well and truly lost. I was angry, resentful, aprehensive and exhausted. This was not how I expected to feel after the amazing journey I had just experienced.

I remember being in constant conflict with my self over how I felt. I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable and I did not want to show the world how sad I felt. I put on a face of strength, one that suggested I had things completely under control and was excited for what was to come… This was not at all reflective of how I actually felt.

After a few months I had found myself a place to live, a job and was starting to save money again, finally things were starting to resemble me getting my life back in order but two major issues weighed heavily on me. I constantly wondered if I made the right decision breaking it off with Jake and my mother was becoming increasingly ill, something I know now never really sunk in until it was too late.

I had to figure out how to manage without my best friends Dave, Nikita and Andrea in my life as they were all not living in Sydney anymore and had conflicting feeling about some of the people of my past and whether I still wanted them in my life. By August I felt that despite everything I was doing ok. I felt relatively happy actually and like things were starting to come together. I found love again, I found new friends and I felt I was looking towards the light…then my mum died.

There is a whole chapter of posts on this blog about how my mother’s passing turned my world upside down and even just thinking about it now my heart and stomach are in a knot and tears are starting to flow. I felt betrayed and empty, which quickly turned into anger and resentment. Everything I had managed to achieve since coming home was reversed. I was back to feeling helpless and vulnerable, angry and hateful.

I remember the day I came back in April, I had pretended to my Mum and the rest of my family that I was still going to be travelling for another month so I could surprise them on Easter day at my sister’s. The look on my Mum’s face and the emotional response I got from her when I walked in will forever be tattooed in my mind. She had missed me so much and her heart was broken for me because of my breakup with Jake. It was a bitter sweet reunion, coming alone when Jake used to be by my side at all family events was very difficult and I had to compose myself to answer the questions I knew were coming but were not ready for. Seeing my family again after almost six months away was hard at the time but when I look back on the moment I hugged my Mum, it is one of my cherished memeories.

In the months that followed my Mum’s death, which was in September, I went through the rollercoaster of putting myself back together, again. At first, I detached myself from the world, locked myself in my room and stopped speaking to my close friends.

As Christmas approached I was still very vulnerable and the summer holidays were difficult but I had gotten a promotion at work and had made another good friend, Kika, in my house who got me through the hard times. My cousin Katrina was also there for me in every way I needed her. It’s incredible how people can come through for you when you are at your worst. It is almost like they are in your life for exactly that. Without those two I would have had an even harder time getting through the summer.

The start of the year was good for the most part, I really enjoyed my new role and felt like I was making a real difference. I felt valued and my confidence grew. My team were starting to do great work and I could see a bright future in my career again.

Of course good things are fleeting and the Corona virus came and is still very much an issue still. It put a halt on my sucess at work but at least I am still employed and working.

I cannot comprehend what the virus has done to the world, it is something I never thought I would witness, it never even crossed my mind as a possibility. Among all the horrible things it has caused across the globe, it means I cannot go on my trip to Italy in July, had put a massive halt on the progress of my career and seeing my dad is a challenge as he is almost 80 and part of the vulnerable group. It gives me anxiety thinking that I could be the cause of him getting sick. We have become so close since my Mum died and I just want to be able to see and hug him again.

In the year I have been back home, I have built myself up from nothing, lost my Mother, experienced love again, made new friendships that will last a lifetime, reignited my relationship with my Dad, achieved a promotion at work and lived through a global pandemic.

It has been alot for one year…I hope the next 12 months is filled with positive vibes and less challenges. I think I deserve some smooth sailing from here.

Leading up to lockdown

It’s hard to comprehend what is going on right now and for me there is a feeling of denial that it’s even really happening.

The Corona virus has affected the whole globe. Australia is currently in a weird state of being between business as usual and completly in lockdown. The city in Sydney is getting emptier every day I go to work and it has been a breeze to get into work in the mornings, I actually get to sleep in an extra 15 min due to the lack of traffic. It is quieter than I have ever seen, ever.

We received notification just hours ago that NSW will be locking down non essential services, which means no more going to the pub for the foreseeable future, I guess. I feel lucky in the fact that I live with so many people so I certainly won’t be lonely in theory if we go into full blown quarantine. Sadly the people I have become accustomed to living with and made good friends with in the past few months have all recently left to pursue their travels or go home and I now have a house mostly full of guys I don’t know that well. I’ll survive socially if we do go into full blown lockdown but it will be weird.

I am struggling with the hatred I am seeing on social media at the moment and the clear and distinct split between people who are trying to go about their lives normally and the large portion of the population that are shaming us for doing it.

Today I went to my sister’s house for a small party for my niece and nephew’s birthday. You wouldn’t have known there was a social distancing rule in place apart from the fact that we didn’t kiss each other hello (being Italian this is a weird thing) and maybe a little bit of chat around it, some light hearted joking even. Kids still played and adults still mingled, it felt pretty normal.

I am being told that by doing this it makes us bad people who aren’t taking things seriously enough but at what point are things OK and not OK? My local pub is still open and there are still people there, my work is still making me come in every day and the cafe downstairs is grateful for it. How do you stop living your life when everyone around you is still living theirs? How can someone say that it is OK to go to work on a bus and train everyday and sit next to all my work mates but say its not OK to see my family or do anything socially?

I am unsure of what is right or wrong at this stage but am following the lead of the people around me and honestly for the most part it really feels like business as usual with a side of precaution.

I am not down playing the virus, I really am not. I understand it’s a real thing and it kills people. My family is from Italy and we have a full blown insight into what has happened there. My dad is within the “vulnerable” category but even he doesn’t seem too fussed at the moment. It’s hard to know how to behave.

What I definitely do know is that behaving like a keyboard warrior and yelling at people from behind a screen is something that should be as much in lock down as our society. The grumpiness in people is really coming to light and I can only put it down to boredom and a sense of “if I’m locked up then everyone else should be”. It is not OK to be an asshole, no matter what the situation is and the amount of racist “go home” and “you brought it here” type commentary I am seeing is just disappointing.

The next 48 hours will be interesting and I really need to do some shopping to survive what’s next. Mostly for beer, hopefully Jimmy brings is still delivering.

34 times around the sun

With another birthday around the corner I feel inclined to look back and consider what an amazing life I have had so far.

I certainly do not feel my age and that might be because at almost 34 I always assumed I’d be married with a child not because I necessarily wanted it but always saw that as the most logical place to be at my age.

Instead I am living in a home in Bondi full of ever changing backpackers. I feel just as nomad and transient as they are yet I am not moving to different country, at least not any time soon.

Being around young people certainly takes the cake on how to feel both young and old at the same time. I find myself either rolling my eyes at the goon consumption and drinking games or partaking in them…. depending on the day.

In my 34 successful attempts around the sun I feel blessed to have been given so much opportunity to learn and be successful. I have achieved two major goals I set when I was in my 20’s, of being a people leader and living abroad.

I have earnt a lot of money but also learned what it’s like to have nothing and to start from scratch on a few occasions.

My parents equipped me with the resilience and the work ethic to get through every hurdle I have ever faced. My dad forced me to start working at 14 and 9 months and I learned the hard way what it’s like to be underpaid and unappreciated. I have also had the privilege of experiencing the exact opposite and been given opportunities to shine and be recognised .

Without my hospitality experience I would not be where I am right now. Without the opportunity to feel completely humbled I wouldn’t know how to appreciate being successful and I have my parents to thank for that.

I spent pretty much every birthday in my adult life with a counterpart, for better or worse. This will be my first birthday without one and more than anything else I feel free. Free to celebrate, free to choose who I spend it with and free to reflect properly.

In my 33rd year I left my partner in Townsville, I travelled the east coast alone, I lost my mother, I developed a strong connection with my father, I made new life long friendships, rekindled my relationship with my gorgeous cousin, got promoted and restarted my career. I went through more turmoil than I ever have or had expected but I came through with the help of some key people. It’s crazy what a year can do to a person.

Soon I will be 34 and despite feeling younger than I am I also feel stronger, more knowledgeable and more wise the I ever have.

Whatever this new chapter brings I am all embracing. I have no one to answer to and my own path to carve and that is just amazing.

Valentine’s Day

For all the Valentine’s days I have experienced, this one, despite being single, is certainly not amongst the worst.

I was in a relationship for a very long time with someone who just was not in tune with what his role was as a boyfriend and partner and I struggled silently for such a long time being the one to make romantic gestures and accept the fact that he just wasn’t the type of person that could fathom the concept of making me feel special.

This Valentine’s Day I got to experience the day without that sense of rejection or feeling of responsibility to make this day something special. Today I felt free.

I still got a rose from a co worker and got an opportunity to feel special by another co worker who bought me cocktails all night. To be honest it was more than I really ever got from Jake which is super sad but it made me realise how lucky I am to have escaped such a mundane relationship that almost turned into a marriage. I am really so lucky.

I am emotionally unavailable right now. I really cannot be bothered with dating at the moment and part of that is most likely because I’m am more than satisfied with my busy life as it is. Starting or trying to start a new relationship really isn’t in my realm of interest right now but I know once someone who I connect with comes along it will be all guns blazing, it always is.

For now I’m grateful for a fun and free Valentine’s day this year. Something I have not experienced for a whole decade.

I’m curious to see where I’m at for the next one. Til then.

Looming Uncertainty

Uncertainty in my life is looming again.

The next change over of housemates is underway and it’s an odd transition to say the least. We have three newbies and of the 7 old housemates 6 will be likely be gone by the end of the month.

To top it off, the lease holder is leaving in May, which leaves Kiff (my cat) and I in a position of potentially needing to find another place to live in a few months. If it was just me I would not be overly worried, it will be easy enough to find a place in my budget especially coming up to the cooler months but Kiff makes it a little less easy.

Part of me wants to start looking else where now and in turn I’ll avoid the whole awkward switch over of the housemates but Kiff loves it in our house so much so I am reluctant to move until I absolutely have to…

I seem to be living in perpetual uncertainty since I came back from my trip in April last year which is a major contrast of the mundane day in day out life I lived before going away. Part of me misses having stability but I was incredibly unsatisfied back then, I can’t say that I am necessarily unsatisfied now days, just a little vulnerable.

On top of the uncertainty I am about to experience a sense of loss, again. I will miss some key people who are leaving my house. I have been through this before and the first time stung a lot. This time round I feel more prepared but it will still be tough.

I feel like I am on some sort of weird working holiday in my own country. I’m itching a little to leave again, it is always a thought at the back of my mind but feel like I have such a good thing going right now with the job, cat, family etc.

I don’t have a solid group of friends in Sydney anymore so I feel a bit nomad in that sense. Many of the people I care about are dispersed around the world which makes it even more tempting to travel again or even to start again somewhere else like Queensland… I wont be missing much in terms of my social life, I always make new friends relatively quickly.

I can more or less see where the wind takes me at this point. I need a plan when it comes to Kiff though, he’s my only real hurdle.

We will see how things pan out…

A tough day

Today was a tough one.

I feel like the day slapped me around and I didn’t fight back in time before the day had me completely under its thumb. I was faced with challenges I could not control or overcome but had to own none the less.

It’s times like these that I feel really humbled and these times are opportunities to learn from. Unfortunately most lessons are learned by feeling at least a little bit of pain and the pain I feel today is a sense of underachievement.

I wrote an email today that I failed to proof read before sending and it had so many spelling errors that it drives me nuts to even think about it. That in its self has made me feel like I failed today, how could I have been so rash as to send something out without checking? It’s not like me and it’s embarrassing.

At least I get the gift of starting all over again tomorrow and fixing the things I need to fix to make it a better day.

Until then.

Ex-extrovert

For 33 years I have always identified as an extrovert. Extroverted people get their energy from being around others and I have always been at peace when I have a lot of people around me.

In recent times, however, I have come to realise that whilst I like being around people, I don’t actually want to engage in conversations with them. This has made me wonder if I am in fact as extroverted as I initially thought and was always told I was.

I have never been the type to enjoy my own company and used to avoid it at all costs. Being alone used to indicate a sense of social failure to me, I was genuinely scared of it, but recently I have reached a point where not only am I happy being alone, I actually prefer it a lot of the time. If there are people around I am happy, just as long as they don’t try and talk to me.

I think I have found some weird grey area of being an extrovert. Kind of a best of both worlds version where I am in the presence of people but don’t have to actually make an effort to talk to any of them.

Tonight after an incredibly long day I went to my local and sat alone. I was met with familiar locals who wondered if they should join me or leave me be. They found it odd that I wanted to sit alone but generally speaking, respected it.

I know its a bit weird to want to sit alone at a pub but this is how I really energise, around people but not with people, of that makes any sense…

This is tonight’s thought piece. Not profound or particularly interesting but real regardless.

Til the next random thought…

Challenge at hand

I can now see how and why people purposely bury themselves in their work.

Since taking this role, my work load has at least tripled, I don’t have much time to think about anything else but my next immediate task during the day. I don’t know if it’s a good thing long term but it works for me right now.

I am the type of person who becomes so absorbed in my own mind and my imagination that if left alone with nothing else important to do, I will drive myself into a spiral of all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Given the year I have just had, it’s a good thing I have been given the gift of distraction.

I love being busy but I don’t naturally have a tendency to find things to do myself. If I am left to my own devises you will either find me sleeping or at the beach, or both. If not either of those things, you will find me indulging in some kind of guilty pleasure TV series like Suits or even worse, The Bachelor. Point being, I don’t typically want to or choose to be busy but when I am, I thrive.

It is a good feeling knowing you can do something meaningful well but it is difficult when your complete worth (work wise) is entirely based on the performance of others. It certainly makes things interesting and it is a huge challenge, which is clearly what I need right now.

Someone told me this new role was a “good stepping stone” in my career, but I don’t see it as a step, it really has always been the end goal, one I already reached in 2018 at my last job before I went overseas. I do not see myself purposely advancing beyond a position where I am leading a small team and I know that saying that in itself is going to hold me back career wise but I have seen other women in roles above mine (at previous companies) and they had to give up far more than I am willing to, to get where they were.

When I was 21 years old I dreamt of having a corporate job, where I got to wear a suit and hold a folder. I used to walk down Castlereagh St in the CBD and longingly look through the windows of Louis Vuitton and Guess and all I ever wanted was to be the power woman who walked around being a boss, holding a designer folder, wearing a designer suit and walking in designer heels and saying I “made it”. Some where in the last decade I stopped wanting that.

I could revert back and attempt to achieve that goal, but I just don’t think it’s me anymore. A lot of people who know me now would have never guessed that was ever me. The issue is I don’t know what is actually “me” right now. What kind of career path would actually suit who I am?

It could be in charity work but that isn’t as easy as just working for a charity organisation or starting my own. I considered volunteering which I have done in the past but it isn’t exactly a path that leads to a sustainable income. I have considered going overseas and working at an orphanage or building homes for less fortunate communities but so many organisations around the world have made this type of volunteer work a tourist type “adventure” scheme and it costs more money to be a part of than is justified, not to mention the visa drama that is involved.

I don’t know where my future career lies but for now I am happy to be engaged in the challenge at hand, which is simply to rebuild a team who has been more or less neglected in the last twelve months and lead them to a hopefully successful year in sales.

I’ll take that for now.

Going through the motions

It has been a weird week this week. I don’t even really know where to begin in terms of describing it or making an interesting post about it. I guess I am just going through the motions.

I feel odd. I feel like everything is technically fine, that I am making progress and that there are a lot of great things happening in my life right now but there is always the burden of my memory. Certain things spark it up, like being with my family and seeing pictures of my mum. I feel like I am getting better at grieving, more in control of my emotions but then I randomly start crying and cannot stop for hours. It’s like I accumulate it all until it gets too overwhelming and it just spills out unannounced.

Seeing pictures of my ex, our dog and our old mutual friends make me sad also, angry in fact. I used to insist on taking photos all the time of all of us and now I am annoyed at myself for it. The facebook memories are painful. I know things needed to change and I have to remember that the memories outside of the photos at least of the ex were not particularly fantastic ones and despite how the photos make me feel, I did the right thing leaving it all for a better life.

My sisters have assured me that time will heal all these wounds and that I am on a solid path forward but sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.

I think everything that went wrong last year all compounding into the space of six months was the catalyst of my reaction being so overwhelming and me finding it hard to recover from it all. I haven’t had a second to breath and I desperately need some air.

Last night I hung out with my housemates and they always have an amazing way of stealing me away from my current world and taking me for a ride in theirs. I avoid it a lot of the time because it can require a lot of energy (they love to party) but when I do drop my guard and go along it is really therapeutic. I should probably do it more often.

At the end of the day I think I just need to give myself a break, get out of my head and just enjoy what I have. I have a lot to enjoy and a lot of time left for a re build.

Moving on

When I invisioned what “moving on” would look like I just imagined the start and the end of it, almost like I expected it to just be a blur in time where things went from life then to life now. Where I close my eyes and *poof* it is all better, but the reality of it is vastly different.

Every day hands out a different flavour of the “moving on” journey. I have been allowing life to just happen, I haven’t made any conscious goals or major decisions and maybe that’s why the process feels so slow and lacking in direction.

With every day there is a unique emotion and state of mind, sometimes it’s incredibly positive and sometimes it is the complete opposite. Something I have realised, is the times I feel the most negged out happen to be when I allow my self feel like a victim and that is never productive.

If you are a victim of something you get to remove responsibility for how you feel and respond, I have revelled in this over the past year but I am just kidding myself ultimately. To be honest I am now sick feeling that way and I feel it’s time to really own my own “moving on” process, finally.

Much of me has been stuck in the past this last year, remembering fun times, missing people who were in my life wondering if I made the right choices, if I could get it all back and second guessing some of my decisions. I ultimately know what happened to get me to this point was needed, my life needed to fall to pieces so it could be put back together and I really need to embrace it.

The journey of moving on has been just that, a journey. Funnily enough, despite my obsession with being abroad I have not really engaged in any travel plans, clearly the virtual trip I’m currently on is more than enough to satisfy my adventure senses.

If I were to guess, I’d say I am about half way to a full recovery, by my rough math that means I should have my life and heart back in order by about September ish this year. It seems like a life time away but I have learned patience is a virtue more than ever this last year.

I am going to start enjoying the journey where I can, there is so much to love right now, my housemates, my work, my friends and my family. I just need to let myself.

Cheers to the journey ahead.

New Year New Career

Today was awesome. When you start getting the hang of something new it is such a good feeling and it’s the feeling I got today.

I really thrive in an environment where I can make a difference and I have been given an opportunity to influence an amazing team of people and guide their success. I cannot be more grateful.

I have a group of incredibly skilled sales people who have lacked direction recently. I spoke with them individually this week and the overwhelming message I received was that all they wanted was to be respected and recognised for who they were and their good work. I have walked into this role with a bit of background knowledge, I was a fly on the wall for six months witnessing the team under a different leader. Even though I got this privilege, I have entered with an open state of mind and an incredible amount of enthusiasm which is exactly what this team needs.

I presented my plan for the next three months to the team this afternoon and it seemed to be taken really positively. I can be a hard boss…. I demand a lot and they have ready seen that in the last week. I expect that if you have chosen to be in a role it is up to you to own it and drive yourself to success. You cannot rely on anyone else to make you successful. My vision is to not have to manage my new team, rather to guide them towards using their already imbedded skill set and give them the confidence to use it. They know what they are doing and they know what they need to do, my job is simply to make sure they are given the right tools and are motivated to do their job and when they do perform it well, be recognised for it.

I cannot wait for this role to continue to unfold and for me to accelerate at what I know is my calling, to help and to guide. I know I’m up for a tough road ahead, I know I will be disappointed at times, I have enough experience in exactly that to know it will happen and that it comes with the role. I also know I can handle it.

For tonight there isn’t much that can take away my happiness and I’m glad I have a platform to record it. I have ended up where I need to be right now in my career to make a difference and that is all I ever wanted.