Going through the motions

It has been a weird week this week. I don’t even really know where to begin in terms of describing it or making an interesting post about it. I guess I am just going through the motions.

I feel odd. I feel like everything is technically fine, that I am making progress and that there are a lot of great things happening in my life right now but there is always the burden of my memory. Certain things spark it up, like being with my family and seeing pictures of my mum. I feel like I am getting better at grieving, more in control of my emotions but then I randomly start crying and cannot stop for hours. It’s like I accumulate it all until it gets too overwhelming and it just spills out unannounced.

Seeing pictures of my ex, our dog and our old mutual friends make me sad also, angry in fact. I used to insist on taking photos all the time of all of us and now I am annoyed at myself for it. The facebook memories are painful. I know things needed to change and I have to remember that the memories outside of the photos at least of the ex were not particularly fantastic ones and despite how the photos make me feel, I did the right thing leaving it all for a better life.

My sisters have assured me that time will heal all these wounds and that I am on a solid path forward but sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.

I think everything that went wrong last year all compounding into the space of six months was the catalyst of my reaction being so overwhelming and me finding it hard to recover from it all. I haven’t had a second to breath and I desperately need some air.

Last night I hung out with my housemates and they always have an amazing way of stealing me away from my current world and taking me for a ride in theirs. I avoid it a lot of the time because it can require a lot of energy (they love to party) but when I do drop my guard and go along it is really therapeutic. I should probably do it more often.

At the end of the day I think I just need to give myself a break, get out of my head and just enjoy what I have. I have a lot to enjoy and a lot of time left for a re build.